Jesus Loves Goldfish

2003-11-05T08:16:00.000-08:00

Paying the price
I had the most wonderfull weekend, I partyed way too hard and I am now paying the price with my health. I have a 100 degree fever and right now I am getting ready to go to work.... I cant afford no0t to but with my luck Ill get there and pass out on some poor unsuspecting guest.. I feel like poop. so I got to go ochurch this weekened, I really miss my church I know you dont need to go to church to be a christian but I really miss these guys there is just such a feeling of closeness I feel with all of them . After church we went over to rita pita's house and played trivial prasiut the new 20th aniversery one. the boys won once and the girls minus a player won the other game, girls rule!!! So yesterday after work me and leah and our new friend nate went to the thrift store and leah bought this crazy cool table and chairs for 70 bucks. and I found a book called " How to be a christian without being religiouse. " It sems like It should be a good book although it is filled with cartoons wich makes me question its credability but never the less. I will read it and report back.
kisses
ERIN

2003-10-29T20:22:00.000-08:00

And I said what about Breakfast at .....
I love that song..
Anyways today has been a good day I had lunch with TOny that was nicer than I expected it to be, but I realy didnt have any expectations, he made me laugh he made inapropreate jokes he skolded me for cussing to much same ol same ol He is cute though. Then I got some cool new pants my dad bought me that was way nice of him http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/anywhere.htm < thats funny grr anyways I got pants then came home made a few stops on the way got some faygo, took kitty and ricky and tre to the library. CAme home :)
ERIN

2003-10-28T19:10:00.000-08:00

Sweet transvestites-drug addicts-no sleep- cops
I honestly dont even know were to start with everything that has gone on in my life over the past couple of days lets see, friday Rock horror went great! I went to the after party, I got about 2 hourrs of sleep I worked all day and then caught the end of Estrela WHO ROCKED!!!! then I hung out at the haven till about 2 when I went to huddle house with Randell and Jordy were my roomate imformed me that this guy named Dave was gonig to stay with us for a while. It turns out that this guy is a con-artist so anyways to make a long drawn out story a little shorter He broke into the 8th street vintage shop and stole a gun and a camera. and the guys were lookintg for him so Ray came into my work because I got a messege to them that he was staying with us anyways I gave him my address. I stoped by the store after work and brad the owner told me to go home and if he was there just to call him and say whats up and that he would come over and that I would be safe. I am so scared of this guy he says he has cancer but It is so obviouse that he didnt he shaved his head and he had all sorts of pills around the house mostly oxy cotton and he had needles everywere. so I call brad and I get online for a second so that Dace wouldnt be suspiciouse then I said I had to go clean my car out. my Adrennalin was rushing I was shaking. I was so scared. SO I am out there about 20 min before brad shows up with the cops. The came in and Talked to dave but there was no reson for them to arrest him so they ran his name and nopthing came up but he says he doesnt have an ID so he could have been ling about his Id stuff. well the first set of cops left and the investigator shows up but before I can talk to him he gets a call about a car jacking and had to go. well Brad doesnt just want to leave so he calls all the 8th street crew. man everyone was there andrew ray john robert crazy johnny and up drives robin to pick up leah for group and she freaks out and calls hanson and will come over well leah trys to get me to go with her to group and I am all no way I am leving him alone in my house so they leve so its just me and dave and a zillion other people well DAVE calls the cops because he feels threatened so johnny starts getting all up in daves face and allegedly tells him he sould kick his ass in theory and just as he finished allegedly saying this the cops show up and dave is all this man just threatened to beat my ass and everyone was like no he didnt dave is all I want to press charges and everyone goes officer johnny didnt day a thing and dave is freaking out at this point and he points at HAnson and goes Ask hanson he is a man of the cloth he would never tell a lie (LOL) ANyways. my lanlord showsup and is like is everything Okay... at that point just me and dave ended upstairs alone he said something to me at the time my adrenalin was so high because I was so scared I dont even remember., He grabbed his bag and threw the keys at me and I walked downstairs and told the cops that he was no longer a resident here and he needed to leave the property. The told him to leave and mr. mondell said that if he ever came back it would be criminal trespassing and he told me later that he was not afraid to go to court and fight it to the death. Anyways I was pretty scared that He would come back so I left and hung out at the shop for a min then at andrews for a good while then I got the nerve to go home. I was scared shitless everysound would keep me wirling. I had a knife. I was sared. God I was scared. Leah finally came home and she wasnt mad at me so that was good we hung out and cryed a bit Its okay now though. I am just glad it is over. I worked today then ate dinner at my dads house. I am home now FATA is playing monday that sould rock I hope. WEll I am gonna crash I think. I am still running on adrenalin GOsh calm down.....
ERIN

2003-10-28T18:55:00.000-08:00

So I have neglected my blog for a very long time I am a bad blogger, however I have been keeping a blurty so I figured I would just update both SO everyone knows about the crazy DAve story so here it is again

2003-07-06T19:16:00.000-07:00

I am sick
I cant feel anything
I am physicly healthy,
I am spiritually sick,
I feel so numb all the time
I never let stuff bug me
I am sick of being used
Its like there is some sort of sign that says "use Erin, she feels nothing and it wont bother her" I try so hard and nothing pleases anyone, I know that in Gods eyes I am fine but COme on get a fucking grip, in the end thats all good but here on earth shit matters, it hurts to be laughed at and scored on and not be in the good graces of people,
I am so scared
I am so scared
My life needs to change
I need to get out of this house and I need to get a new job and I need to be able to live I feel so stifled and baligerent like I am in this fog and Its okay because I crave some scence of normalacy I just want things to stand still and for my life to stop getting torn appart, I just want somethin steady something non kaodic something ANYTHING and well I really feel like the same person I was before, What has changed, I dont do drugs I dont have sex, but that doesnt seem to be some big deal, I am not happier now, I am not happier now. shouldnt I be happier now, shouldnt I feel different, shouldn't something in me say "HEY GOOD JOB!"?
I feel like some sort of failer, I am failing and I cant stop the run away train my life is, I just want it to stop. STOP! God is so awsome, Why dont I ffeel like I am anything, I feel like I dont matter, If I disapeared tomarrow, nothing would change no one would be inconvinenced, Fuck I hate pitty partys
Erin

2003-07-04T10:27:00.000-07:00

MY dads in CAli, I broke my car on tuesday
I spent 7 hours in the emergency room last night, I nearly cut my finger off cutting chicken I got 3 stiches
iT HURT.
Thank you God for letting me see good in the bad

2003-06-21T21:23:00.000-07:00

I have this desease called Vertigo, It makes me dizzy ALOT, and most of the time I can just work threw the dizzy spells, only once has it gotten so bad at work that I had to take a breather anyways It flairs up if I like bend over and get up alot, so I was fixing bags tonight and I stood up and got dizzy. so I sort of got my ballence and connie asked me what I was doing I said " fighting off vertigo, and you" I shouldnt have added the and you part but whenyou are in that stage it just comes out.. any ways I went and got water and I was feeling alot better and so I started to go backto the bags,and connie goes CLOCKOUT AND GO HOME ERIN, I said I feel better now Ican finish she said CLOCK OUT AND GO HOME NOW! so I clocked out and she sent me home. I feel so usless, I feel stupid I feel ug, I was fine I mean I could have kept working, stupid gah, I HATE this stupid desease, GAH. I am so afraid when I go in tomarrow I am going to get fired, shit what am I going to do. God please help me.
Erin

2003-06-17T20:35:00.000-07:00

I wrote this super long blog about how God is working in my life right now but I hit post and it disapeared.. Grrr. anyways. I just discovered EBAY!!! ebay rocks my socks off I got 2 CDs for 8 bucks, Sorry will I splurged.. Man, I am super bummed because my work wont give me the time off I want, I have worked at Target for over a year and never once have I been late to work you would think that they could give me one damn week off of work. I am getting super sick of Target, Ill get over ut but untill I do I have found I have been getting really good at acting like I am super happy when I am super not inside.
oh well thats all for now.God rocks.
Erin

2003-06-16T08:23:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking alot about who I am as a Christian, and what things have lead me to be who I am today, and how my "story" could influence someone. I have found that alot has influenced me People, Mike L., Coop, All the guys from the Skadaddles, Music, Music has made mw who I am today, in God. And I feel all of the suddon this overwelming need to see and hear music, no matter what I am doing, ITs strange, and I want the Capri to be along for a long time, so my Kids can go and sit on the cornor and do nothing and develope who they are through music and God, I am super sad to think that the Capri may be shut down, ever... Hmm. I sometimes wish there were a way that I could go back in time and relive my childhood, Despite how much I hated it it rocked.
Erin

2003-06-13T06:49:00.000-07:00

Phobia Quiz: 11 Philophobia is a fear of being or falling in love.

2003-06-08T20:10:00.001-07:00

My car is broken I think I hope Hanson can fixit ( can we fix it? Yes we can?) BLah Blah, I went to Julies wedding it was pretty and the reception rocked! well It was okay:) Me and Angela had the patience of Angels and waited till everyone else ate to eat, we swing danced in line waiting it was fun, Angelais one of those people that just being around her makes your day go better.:)
Here is something I wrote a long time ago, Hmm I just found it agin interesting

I ate a rose and the blood ran down my spine and I could smell you, I could taste you I could feel your heart beat why.. do I let me love you? why do I let me cry. Are you worth it have I given you my sould have I fallen deeply in hate with deeply in love?

2003-06-08T20:10:00.000-07:00

2003-06-01T17:14:00.000-07:00

I havnt written in a while again, I have been really busy, I have not been off much and when I am off I have not been home, I keep getting emails from my friends like were have you been? I have been around just sort of out of it, I am dealing with nothing and everything, Every one I know seems to be in some sort of crisis or something. I saw Lamia again today, Aaron will be one ont he 20thdoesnt that sound wierd, how time flies. Today is a big deal it is one yeah and 6 months clean one and a half years, WOw, I dont knoe If I though I couldnt do it but I did it, I am super sorta impressed with myself :) yeah... Well I am working allt his week butI will get to go to group on Tues, which I have really been missing, I need to change my scedule so I can go to church more, I feel a bit empty without it:)
Erin

2003-05-24T15:47:00.000-07:00

I am so sorry that I have abbandoned my blogg latley alot of stuff has happened I have been getting very little sleep and I am hardly ever at home any more My grandma came and stayed wit hus for a week that was well eye opening to say the least I swear my dad is a freaking carbon copy of that woman every little thing he picks at me for she does too Ahh I thought I was gonna lose my mind lol, well I have been going to church and going to shows, and I went to see matrix wich was good, my headliner in my car is falling, but thats the most of my worrys so I think I am doing pretty darn good :) I am happy although tired and I have been taking things more personally than I should but at least I realize how stupid It sounds even though that realization has not taken away the hurt. I am going to clean for veronica, that cat is so silly all right thats all for now
Erin

2003-05-13T22:52:00.000-07:00

My list: My dream guy
1.guys who are taller than me
2. tattoos
3.good teeth
4.British accents
5. Starving eyes that look straight through you
6. a good job
7. super annoyingly clingy
8. Will watch movies with me all day long
9. Asian men (without accents) who are tall & have broad sholders
10.Goofy guys who wear funky vintage clothing & slick backed hair ( & those damn dark glasses_)
11. Guys who like me back
12. Mowhawks
13. the lead singer from incubus
14. HAS TO BE MUSICLY INCLINED & LIKE SKA ( or at least tollerate it)!
15. super curly log hair thats kinda messy
16. Someone who will Open doors but won't mind if I pay for dinner every once in a while
17. can make me laugh.
18. super open minded
19. Loves God but isn't into (shoveit in your face, cussing is a sin) religiouse shit.
20. Likes kids, animals & old people
21. over 18 is nice lol (under 25)
22. Likes to go to shows at the Capri & will support local things
23. Wants kids (kid)
25. Makes lists of things that are important
UM ITs like 2 AM and thats all I can think of without really going on forever :)
Erin

2003-05-12T19:35:00.000-07:00

I will do this I WILL!
I have this need to be loved, I have had it for as long as I can remember, I need people to except me and think that I am "COOL" I need people like I need AIR,I think that hurts me. I think that I am so busy Identifying myself through other people that I missed somewere who I was, I think the most happy I can remember in my life is when I was on my own and I had purple hair and my lip was pierced and I had a big ass dread in the back of my hair and I stayed out till way too late and got super drunk off of mud slides and smoked a pack of ciggerets a day and I had money and a car, thats when I was most happy but I think It was that It didnt matter what I did, no one told me I couldnt wear Glitter or Die my hair Pink or Get ink or whatever, I want to pierce my face and Cut my hair off and get a big ass tattoo that says "YOUR NAME" on my ass, I want freedom, I want to be loved, I want to Have big ass red and blue streeks in my hair, I want to stop being afraid of what everyone else thinks. I want to have boys in my room. I want to Get pissed off and break shit. I want to.....Move out....
Damn. I am going to start saving. I mean I couldnt up till this point I had no real reason, I need to get thin and gordiouse and Out of this house.
And With the grace of GoD and the help of Will Telling me to shut up and just do it I will :) I WILL!( NO PUN) HAHA

2003-05-10T08:49:00.000-07:00

I was having a wonderful dinner in a restaurant called NACHO-Mama's in Augusta Georgia and I look up and over the stove, over time workers have added little momentous and trinkets to the Giant overhang, The Two that made me laugh the most had to be the two bumper stickers I saw ONE said" WORK SUCKS, I AM GOING ON TOUR" and for any Augusta buffs or musicians out there that one made me almost choke on my Mushroom and Tomato Dinner. Then my eyes Drifted to the lower corner of the mess and smiling back at me in all of its GLORY is a Sticker that Yelled " MY POTHEAD SMOKED YOUR HONOR STUDENT" oh man I laughed my ass off. Just a thought.

2003-05-09T22:59:00.000-07:00

ALOT TO SAY
A lot has gone on since I last talked to you. I went to see my friend Miles at the Soul bar and he rocked! I got home at 2:30 and he is so CUTE! He might come to church with me on Sunday that would rock! Um what else? Um.. I had BRUNCH with Angela and that was cool we had fun I think Our Waiter really wanted her hehe he asked for her number he even gave her a pen to write it with, she didn’t give it to him I was so mad at her, but to tell the truth I think I was a little jealous, I mean Freak Boy is the coolest Cat I have met in a while and he has two jobs and a pink Mohawk and great taste in music, what more can you ask for, But since Angela is my friend I respected her wishes. * BITCH* lol then I came home and hung out here for a it... I went to women’s group tonight and we had a ton of fun we made this Group friendship doll which we all painted and it turned out AMAZING! I am going to try to get pictures of it it was so fulfilling. Anyways I was going home and I remembered there was a show so I cruse on down to the Capri and there is this KICK ASS ROCKABILLY band about to go on and IF anyone knows me I mean really knows me they know that I cant get the Damn Skadaddles CD out of my player, Speaking of the Skadaddles I saw, Chris who I LOVE***** LOVE*** LOVE*** I missed his band which bummed me out a bit but I was okay. Because I got to see THREE BAD JACKS OH my gosh you don’t even know, I cant get across how FUCKING AMAZING THEY WERE! Like I had to hold my breath so I could function good. I was late so I got in Free (WILL) Anyways, there was this kid Matt and he needed a ride home so I took him he lived right around the corner from TARGET and he was really cool and I think I have found a new Friend:) YEAH!I love having friends.:) OH Sarah called me and she has a side job for me, which will rock because I can always use a little bit more cash in my pocket:) YEAH! Man so much has gone on I hope I didn’t forget anything
Oh I remember ... Before I went to the Soul BAR I ate at Nacho-mama's and it rocked. I met this really cool girl and anyways at the soul bar she came up to me and told me that when I left she told Ryan (one of my good friends that works there) that I had “Amazing energy...” THEN she looked like INTO MY SOUL and said, don’t lose that, Please Don’t lose that. I think she was tanked but it was nice hearing myself described as something besides a nice person:)

2003-05-08T16:36:00.000-07:00

Being a Super nice person
Being a Super nice person I think I am sick of it. man I hate that when I get described It is as a "SUPER REALLY NICE PERSON" I mean its better than you know "Fat Bitch" or "Drug Addict" so why does it wierd me out when people tell me that I am a super nice person, I Think I am more than that. I am artistic and loving, and I realy like Music. I blame my mother for it though. when I was little and I used to ask her "Mommy, when you were little what did you want to be when your grew up?" SHe used to look at me and say "Erin, I just wanted to be a nice person" Every single time I asked her that Question that was the answer that I got. I mean I think that everyone deserves to be treated Fairly and I think everyone somewere in them is the need to be accepted and loved, and that they have the compasity to love, I guess I have the "Ann Frank Complex" I Have always had it. Its just its hard to addmit it when the whole world SUCKS ass half the time.. Oh well God will take care of me :)

2003-05-07T22:06:00.000-07:00

To complain or not to complain that is the Question
SO Will Has me almost convinced to move out.. he said he would match whatever I saved, I kinda wish he would have talked to sarah about that first but, I know that I have to take a leap of faith.. but at the same time I dont want to "TEMP THE LORD MY GOD" my Dad will freak out... Kacy( spelling?) told me bacicly to stop complaining about it and just move out.. GOD please help me. I know that I need to get out of here. but its comfterable here. I dont have to worry about things... Except my sanity. will says I have to work on my spending. I think he is right even though I wouldnt addmit it to his face * realizes that Will reads this* Man I just need to sit down and figure it out on paper. I have always been a visual learner. Money SUCKS! man. I need help I think using Will as an Ally will be a good thing.. I still feel like I am 10 though. I am really really scared. Seperation angsiety Hanson calls it. Work was good tonight. I broke the drawer on my register I ROCK! hehe Um. I am still convinced all hot guys are gay.. Grr. This guy JOn who I had the BIGGEST crush on in summer school came in today, he had the best eyes, I used to get lost in them. hehe. YOu know what I have been listening to NOFX, everyone seems to think they are this Fucking realy great band and I Think they suck ass. hehe I guess everyone has there own taste.. I have been listening to AOL radio alot latly they are playing some realy good stuff Like Reel big fish and Gold finger I saw them in consert together.. hehe but I have discovered some new bands that I am realy digging... Unwritten Law and the used are realy interesting to me I like there sound also, Suicide machines, but accourding to Will I wond be buying a CD for a really REALLY LONG TIME. That you God for AOL radio and Will :)
Erin

2003-05-06T04:15:00.000-07:00

I took this From Hansons BLOG... I know its stealing but it movved me so much...

Been wrestling with a mission statement that reflects our fellowship when I received this e-mail from Mike Leaptrott concerning that very issue in the context of what drew us all together in the first place.
When you read it you'll understand why I love and value this guy.

One of the questions that Will asked me on Thursday that I couldn't get my arms around completely was..."What are the cultural similarities about the people of downtown augusta?". I started thinking about that question and ended up with a dozen more questions that I'd like you to think about. As I began to think about that I also began to think about what are the similarities of the people that were in that room. We are a diverse group, but I had a gut feeling that there was a cultural bond that we shared and was also shared by many of the people we were encountering every day in our geographical surroundings downtown, but the outward appearance of the group seemed to represent more diversity than commonality. As I soaked in the ambience of my surroundings during the middle of the night on my quiet deck smoking a cigar and sipping my second glass of scotch, it hit me. It was not so hard to comprehend, but also not so obvious. Our common bond was our passionate quest for rebellion. Some of us were rebelling from the cultural anomalies of our bible-belt upbringing and the overbearing discipline of their parents. Others were rebelling against the pragmatic structure of religious leaders.

2003-05-03T12:56:00.000-07:00

I was awaken today by my father screaming at me, You parked too close to the curb,,,and something else trivial. I Was awaken again at 830 with him screaming to get up. He found a bed and I had to go get it doing physical labor at 830 in the morning after staying out all night is not my idea of a fun day. Anyways yesterday I went to the movies and I left my gummie bears in the car and they melted... Long story short it made a big mess so I got goo gone then dad told me not to use it and I put it in my trash can of my car cuz I had already brought it to my car, anyways Asshole gave me some cleaning stuff to clean it up with and I am out there cleaning it out and he comes home from God knows were and starts screaming at me about how I am a pig and I am irresponcible and Blah Blah, how he has someone comming to look at the car and Blah blah, anyways He was helping me clean and looked into my trashcan and saw the goo gone and YELLED 10 inches from my ear how he told me not to use it and I told him I didnt that I put it in there so it wouldnt spill and he took it out and was yelling and threw something at me and I told him I didnt apreciate him throwing shit at me and he freaked out and took my keys away and yelled at me and told me I was some kind of stupid kid and that I was irresponcibe and that he would be driving me to work from now on... and I made fish sticks for lunch and he was screaming because the house smell ed like fish sticks and I told him if he didnt like it he shouldnt have bought fish sticks... and he GOT my keys and Told me I couldnt leave, I was soposed to go to julies Wedding shower, today was going to be a good day. FUCK... Am I a fuck up? I keep thinking he will change and then it gets worse again, I feel like its my fault that I have such a bad father... He tells me that Hes a Godley man and I hate him, but I love GOD... I dont worship my car like he does does that make me a bad person?
FUCK I HATE MYSELF......

2003-05-01T12:13:00.000-07:00

CLOSING
AH okay so it is today and I close. I hate closing. UG At work At 10:00 the lights go out in the store, and I do not know how they expect us to function, I dont know about you but when the lights go out my body tells me to go to sleep. I mean I love my JOB If I never had to close I think it may just be the best darn job ever I get to talk all day, I get to help people I get to handle money( I dont think that is my favorite part though) bu tI hate closeing I have to go around and pick up all the shit the Guests have trown on the ground or desided not to get and hidden yes people hid things all the time Like I will be floding a stack of shirts and all of the sudden there will be n R. Kelly cd and a blue glass plate. Like IT drives me nuts sometimes... The thing that pisses me off the most is when guests will leave ther carts at my register, they just walk away. I have started telling them " mam' you forgot your cart" most of the time they give out a huge sigh and look at me evil and walk back and take there carts, I have started doing this because Hanson says I dont have to be nice all the time and to be honest it is kind of liberating:) Hanson rocks you all:) anyways I hate closing and I have to do it tonight but I have the next two days off and its first friday YEAH! Estrela are playing * see above link* and that makes me happy :) I am going to julies wedding shower on SAT. I got her a realy cute little frame... anyways I prob wont get home till late as heck tonight so I tought that I would write now.

2003-04-30T21:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a complete waist of human time. I could have gotten so much acomplished but inevidably I did not I only worked for 4 hours, I dont think I made enough to cover the gas it cost to drive my lazy sleepy ass there. It was however a good day because two of my favorite Guests came into target. The Odd Couple as I call them. They are young mid 20's she, being always dressed in a sundress and he always has great shoes.... She has dark brown short boy cut hair, He has bleach blond hair, They have a little girl, she is pretty as a button and looks like a spitting immage of... them both... but thats not why they are my favorites... they are because I am totaly 100% convinced that he is gay. Maybe its the fact that he has the nicesest shined up shoes, maybe its because he has a bit of lisp. maybe its because when he waves to me he does it a little you know loose wristed, maybe it is because I have observed that they are more like brother and sister than husband and wife... I Have a theory on the whole thing though... I think that one night they were both super drunk and had sex I think she got pregnant and he wasnt ready to " come out of the closet" So I think they desided to get married and raise the baby together. They have no physical contact from what I can tell and I think its great... only if my theory is true they are hiding behind a huge lie... but they are realy sweet and they are prob. my favorite people that come into target.I realy want to hang out with them and find out what they are like behind the 5 min I see what they are realy like, they intreage me...
Ahh, I am too tiered.. I will write more in the morning:)

2003-04-30T07:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had this huge blog and my computer crashed and I lost the whole thig. OH well Talk at you later:)

2003-04-28T07:44:00.000-07:00

C-R-A-Z-Y

I swear Sometimes I think that I am dreaming more when I was a kid then now, I used to think that any momment I was going to wake up and it would have en a bad dream..

. between the ages of 7 and 13 were when I just waited to wake up, that in the real world people and things were not as crazy as the world in my head... There is this woman that comes into Target, she just moved here, she has two young children, like young I think one is two and the other is like not much younger than that, and she is pregnant, that poor woman, she is always screaming at those kids, and telling us that she is loosing her mind, that the children are horridable, and that she doesnt know how she can survive, Okay, I was like yeah at first two infants and one on the way, If I had bad kids Id be going crazy too... They are the sweetest Children I have ever met, they dont fus or cry or scream they sit in there Stroller and most of the time look glassie eyed I sometimes wonder if she is drugging them, I can not tell you why I have such a facination with this woman, She is so Freaking I dont even know. She is a small woman with blond hair which is usualy pulled back into a pony tail, and she has these CRAZY MEAN eyes, I cant even begin to describe them, she always has these dark circles under her eyes, not brusis, just circles, She was this warnth about her, I cant say what it is, ITs the strangest thing maybe I just feel sorry for her, many of time I have wondered if I should offer to baby sit for her, She is well to do as far as I can see, she is so sweet but so phyco too Every one loves her at target yet we all kind of pitty her, but she is mean, I cant put it into words... oh well... I am about to go look at the appartment, wish me luck

2003-04-28T07:20:00.000-07:00

POLL

2003-04-27T19:53:00.000-07:00

Do I have to write this? yes I do because I am changing my format yea!:)

2003-04-27T19:34:00.000-07:00

WORK and all the cute gay guys... UH!
I worked today, nothing extreamly wonderfull happened, NO Spiritual awakenings. OH wait, I have desided that I am stupid... Like 4 times today very HOT groups of guys came through my line and EVERY single time they were gay, Why do I think that gay guys are so hot? ITs an anomily that I will never understand When YOu are a confused YOung adult female and your as crazy as I am the questions keep comming and the answers all are blured, Oh well God l will provide:)

Handsome
Tender
Soft
Why do you look right through me?
Thinking "NO"
I can't deny my feelings
growing strong
I try to keep believing, dreaming on
and everytime I see you I cry more
I wanna pull you closer
but you leave me feeling frozen
I can be all you need
Won't you please stay with me?
Apologies, might-have-beens
Can't erase what I feel
Choking back emotion
I try to keep on hoping for a way
a reason for us both to come in close
I long for you to hold me like your boyfriend-does
and though my dream is slowy fadin
I want to be the object
of your passion, but it's hopeless

2003-04-27T08:28:00.000-07:00

I hate rain and can I please move out of here!
So Friday sucked till the end at least... Tony was gonna come over and watch jackass and then Wil and JOsh were going to come over and we were going to cook out on the grill.. It RAINED and if you know what my dad does for a living you know that it has to be nice out side for him to do it... UG... he was home all day, I swear I almost killed him.. So anyway the day sucked untill around 6 when I drove I swear like cross country; ) To Elizibeths house,, Got lost whatever I made it there.. I had so much fun we made Pizza and Elizibeth gave us all these amazing masks she had made... Anyhow we are going to make Art dolls doesnt that sound fun? Okay so here is the creepy cool part about the Art doll thing., we put names of different like love joy peace charity, EXT. into a hat.. and we drew the names. AndEVERY single one of us picked the name that was suited to our personalitys.. I got PEACE... Erin means Peacefull... How creepy is that... And everyone elses fit too. I am realy excited about working on it... BREAKING NEWS Leah didnt pay rent on her appartment so IT is free. It is only 40 dollers more a moth to live there than it is to live here Ill have to pay only for electric..And its so close to all of my friends:) I am so happy I could shout. I am gonna try to get ahold of Mr. Fogerty later on this week Sara alreasy called him so he knows I am interested.. Ill need alot of prayer and alot of support from you all if I do this my dad is not very happy, he even told my grandma who yelled at me for like a half hour on the phone.geeze, she doesnt know that I lived on my own before, my dad neglectede to inform her of that. Grrr Any ways ... I realy hope I can move out of this place I am going mad! MAD I tell you!

life could slip away
in absent minded numbness
I'm only saying this cuz
I wish for the best
when you always stay in
self incarceration
I think it's such a shame
don't stay home this time
no don't stay home
if we don't have to
we don't want to
don't stay home this time
no don't say no
how I'd like to
diffuse your time bomb anger
it's screaming danger danger
this kind of world don't care if your home
so you better get some
everything I'm sayin
you can dismiss
because I sat alone
on this past Christmas
I deserve to be alone
but I guess I should have gone home
don't break mold kid
just eat around it
yeah that's what I did
I'll be running around the block
For no apparent reason
somethin you'll catch me doin
in any season
gotta break a sweat man
got--ta bust out
good--good--good bye now goodbye to the drought ugh!

2003-04-25T14:28:00.000-07:00

Trish...Pregnant... and what the Tyrant has to say about the whole mess
Anyways... This girl I knew when I was younger that I did consider a friend Just turned up pregnant, and it broke my heart. she is lets just say going to be a less than desierable mother... She lives in the prodjects with her invalid mother, they both drink and Have multiple sexual partners and amoke pot.. well when I got back to augusta I looked her up, I mean she was my childhood friend, anyways we talked a bit and caught up some but she kept talking about bays and sex ans that just wasnt well it was not what I need at the time I couldnt handle having a friend who was doing drugs and having sex and just not being an " UPSTANDING" citizen, Anyways like I said I just found out from her sister that she is pregnant. ( do I have to say that I was not suprised.) So I told my dad because he liked her alot when we were younger and now he is trying to pull this whole If you would have been ministering to her then she wouldnt be in this predicament I am like WHAT THE FUCK! how am I soposed to control her? Is it my fault she decided to have sex with some guy... No... Geeze I swear I think he never ever thinks.. Hes all like find out her phone number so I can call her. I realy dont want to be a part of her life. I mean that sounds shallow and selfish but I realy can not handle having her in my life. I love her but man. Am I in the wrong here? I did Try to call her and her phone has been disconnected, SO Do I need to like active in finding out information? I dont think so... I dont know what to do... GEEZE! What am I soposed to do? I have learned that I can not save everyone.. I cant do it! Why is my dad playing this guilt trip shit on me though? I dont get it... Oh well Till next time.

I guess we've had our fun but it seems the fun is over now
And that's all right
Time for me to move along and after all is said and done
I'll be all right
and it's all right
Tell me something that's sure to break my heart
'cause everything's my fault
And I know I deserve to be alone
'cause everything's my fault
Here we go again unsuccessful to make amends
and that's all right
I've tried as hard as I can
but I can't seem to understand
and it's all right
I guess it's over now your honesty has all run out
but that's all right
I just can't seem to see how the hell you can make believe
that it's all right
Tell me something that's sure to break my heart

2003-04-24T22:44:00.000-07:00

Things I can not do because my dad is a Tyrant... freaky ass rules...

The dishes have to be done when he gets home from work... I cant have boys in my room, I cant watch the smurfs... I cant eat in the living room... I cant havee dirty laundry in the laundry room, I cant wear Glitter... I cant wear scarfs... I cant die my hair pink... I cant get my tattoo fixed... I cant drive out of town...
I cant leave anything in the living room, I cant use his cell phone I cant get my nose pierced,,, I cant Watch too much TV
I am only soposed to be on the internet 1/2 hour every day
I cant Wear any clothing that show my tattoos...
I cant leave the house unless my hair is blow dried.
I cant wear to omuch eye liner
I cant have glasses in my room
he seems to treat yo like a 2yr odl
I cant keep my food in the refridgerator
I cant Leave anything in my car
I have to lock my car every night.
I have to park in the last parking spot wereever I go
Shall I go on? HELP ME I NEED TO GET OUT!!!!!!!!

2003-04-24T19:27:00.000-07:00

Men Who Hit

Okay I dont know how this works so I am Kind of just going on whatever.. so anyways.... This is what happened today... I got up at like 10, I dont think I thought about God, right when I woke up... I think most of the time I am pretty numb... I mean about God. I try not to sin... I dont do drugs any more one year four months and twenty four days... thats a long ass time... I dont have sex, I am nice, I try to make people comfertable. I guess Jesus didnt do that that is just something that has been engrained into my phychy... I need to move out Hanson Told me that He was gonna let me buy a car off of him for cheap so I need to start saving I only have 23 hours this week wich is like only a 125$ paycheck wich all in all sucks ass cuz I have to give my dad 60 which leaves me 60 bucks to fill my car and eat and all that stuff....oh well life goes on... AnywaysThis lady came through my line today and she had these brusis on her arms... three finger shaped ones and one on her wrist... On her other arm there was what looked to be a burn on her arm only it was fresh and It was oozing something... and one big bruis on her arm and onther on her upper arm and one more around her wrist... I know someone is beating her, and I sat there all frozen and stuff, I didnt quite no what to say. I had seen those marks before on my mom... Men who hit should be put in jail and ass raped for the rest of there lives... Men who hit do not change... They dont no matter how much you say they do. once a hitter always a hitter. and the women they hit if they dont leave they are just as bad as the men and I feel no sypathy towards them, they should leave.... I have never heard one good excuse for a woman to stay with a man who hits her... GOSH I was so pissed off I almost cryed, I was so glad I got to go home I couldnt deal with people any more after that... you dont even know. I had a pannic attack I was so pissed off... geeze... todays song... POEM by Taproot... It expressed how I felt...
Peacefull Waterfall

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overbearing panic attack entrenching my veins
In an hour, I'll be okay

I pray this pain will go away permanently someday

I've seen more than

I should have to

I've seen this on my own

This song is a poem to myself

It helps me to live

In case of fire, break the glass

And move on into your own, your own

Reoccurring drowning effect entrenching my brain

I hope you'll be ok someday,

So I can say that you moved on in the right way

We've seen this and

We've breathed this and

We've lived this on our own

Should I move out?
	Do it only if you can afford it.
	Do it, but make sure you have a back up plan!
	YES!
	NO!
	If it is the right time, things will fall into place for you to be able to move out!
	Don't do it, the clowns will get you!

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